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The first move is made.
Shit. In love with the idea of love-- not the actual image sucks. I just want to be.

The distance, time...and spaces...

How far is not far? How long is not long?...Can you answer that for me?

No. I didn't think so.
Its hard to describe my honest feeling. Or maybe it isn't really. Its like that old story...where did it originate from? I don't remember really. But I think almost every countery or region has a version of it somewhere. So it shouldn't matter. Something or a young madian standing on a cliff waiting for her love to return and find her from sailing away either to war or some other reason. Sometimes she just stays there until she turns to stone, tears frozen forever down her face- staring out into the sea. Other times...she dies there from falling ill to the storms. Even more...she falls off the cliff to her doom. Haunting the place still to this day.

I cried today for the first time in ages. One moment I can get along with him just fine. Smiling through my voice and everything I should. But inside my heart is shattering with disapointment. Men are always such a let down. I should really stop hoping they will come through for me. For as soon as I got off the phone nothing but tears took over. So I hid in my room...and my puppy brought me one of the dogs new toys they got for easter. Let me hug him, let me hug it...then wanted it back. At least that made me smile a little. But right now...I feel like I did when I was waiting for Sho to come over. Hoping slimly, even though my heart and head said otherwise, knew otherwise. It cuts deeply. It hurts constently. Has it hurt since then? Probably. Although I've forgiven it...I've also come to expect it.

I don't know what I can do with myself. What I should do with myself. Or how I should go on existing.

I wish I could hide here for the rest of my life. Stop moving. Stop time. Silence thoughts.

Is it time to move on...someplace else? I don't have anywhere else to go. Or...I suppose I do. But...I feel I don't really can't think of any place I'd want to be right now. Not even here.
I want to do everything I do in life because I want to. Not because anyone else wants to, or tells me I should. That's it.

I desire....

What I desire? Not even myself really knows. Right now...I am just living life day by day. My entire existance meaningless...although perhaps not really so. I am content. I feel I can breath again little by little as the days go on. That the writer in me, no the artist in general is reawaken slowly as my muse returns at last.

Someone once stole that from me, that which was more presious then life it self. In fact what is probably my only reason for living this long was because of it. Or in hopes to get it back.

It isn't love...or purpous...or any of those emotions we generally connect with someone feeling lost. But it holds meaning to me just the same. My heart and soul were free during that time when my mind had fallen into complete insanity. Dark and distinctive just as the person it holds.

I realize now much of the past I was either living a lie or letting myself beleive in others unworthy. Those I knew who were lying. Those who felt only a need to use me. But its okay now. I'm figuring things out. And as much as it may not seem I swear to you these words are true. The darkness brings beauty far more wonderous then we could ever fully see in the harshness of light. Staying up all hours...sleeping durning the brightiness of day...perhaps this is the begining of my return. Darkness reclaiming me from the light. Beauty reawakening in my mind.

We'll see

First experiance

To see it live in within sight of my own eyes...the passions grew to consume me. I can not explain enterily what changed inside of me last night, just that something wonderful happened. I can now feel clearly, see clearly, and such exstreme changes exist within a single second. 'I can never go back...' This is what I am thinking even now hours, after it was done. Not even a full 24 hours.

It is truely amazing, to sit there and watch.
I have said it before...but my heart is returning to my true passion. Music, singing, playing the guitar and the bass...I am not really certain about the drums all though I have fun messing around with them in creating music. Yes, creating.

Edit: So tomorrow is the concert...and after checking a million ways to get there and back with decent timing and costs low, still having time to enjoy the trip because god knows I deserve to enjoy a weekend for once after the last few...I...I am just really looking forward to it. In less then five hours now I think it is Jazz and I will be driving down to LA. Today is finally our concert night. And I am looking forward to it. Finally getting to see my idols Dir en Grey. My idols...I could never imagine seeing until the day it is actually going to be happening. I still can't really believe it. I keep wondering how amazing it will be. How inspiring it could be. And...then...I realize I must just wait and see. But I think I am going to cry seriously. So inspiring already they are to me.

After that...well I guess I am just going to have to go for now and finally start getting ready. The count down has already hit less then five. Time to relax, calm myself. For now.

I promise more details when I get back from LA sunday. I have all the time in the world after that. Promise.
Am I with you? Always...?

So many things going on crossing my mind. These days there is not more to do then wake up, eat, dance, and then come home to sleep. I can't seem to eat and sleep enough. And even when I do eat I feel sick right afterwards. Nerves I guess. Or maybe payback for finding a new addiction. Dance is my new addiction.

If dance is my muse...and music my soul...where is my heart? The place I can turn to always to rest my weary body and soul. Insperation can only really get me so far. I feel...as if I am running myself low. Empty even. One of these days I am going to fall unable to stand on my own. And in that time...that moment...I wonder who it is if anybody who will catch me. Visa? Possibly. I hope so. When I think my heart I only ever think of him really, but is it really meant to be? No matter how much I tell him I can leave him to his friends for about a week...I feel lonely. Even when I talked with him before going into school today.

Sigh of relief and oh wells are in need here. In fact I am sure I just did so in my mind if not vocal.

My world is spinning. And I am growing. If I am to find someone worth spending a life with the support he gives me is of course a nessisary. And V does that...most always. Mostly. Not always. In his own way he tries though. I don't really know what to say about it. My mind is tired. I am tired. Sleep...is again starting to sound really good to me.

Maybe I should just go? Give into it. Always an amusing, it not appealing thought.